Someday's all I want is to fall into a hole that leads straight to the center of the Earth and catch fire.
I just want to fall apart with you in the middle of this hazy hippie summer. There's nothing else to do, baby we could get lost forever.
It's nights like these that I wonder why I'm here or if I have a purpose or if I'll ever find it. And I stay awake like this trying to imagine what God would be like if I met him tomorrow and if he'd live up to my expectations. Then again, what can one expect from God? Some would say everything, others nothing. But if he exists and he created us, what is it that he had in mind? Why did he make us so flawed if he made us in his image? Why did he make life so hard if he loved us so much?
It's nights like these when I can barely keep my eyes open, but my mind won't shut up, and I tried to preset my coffee pot for the morning, but turned it on instead so now the fresh brewed sent lingers over my bed, nudging me from sleep.
It's nights like these when I come home to find my parents in another fit and the more I try to listen and console, the more confused I get. And they insist on taking sides, even though they claim the opposite, and I feel like a little ragdoll being pulled this way and that, until I'm finally torn in half.
It's nights like these when I wish I could be honest and open up and spill my bloody guts all over for someone else to clean up. All I want is for someone to say "I'm sure everything with your parents will work out fine. Don't worry about it." or "Fuck that shit. Screw them. You've got your whole life." or even just "I'm sorry... can I listen?" And I know I don't NEED permission, but I do need to know whether or not you actually care before I open up to you.
And it's nights like this that I wish I could open up to you, wish that I thought you might be interested in anything I have to say. It's nights like this that I sit here wondering what I'm doing wrong and how I can make things right. I have three hours til morning and a suitcase that needs to be packed and I don't know if I want to leave because I'm so afraid of what I'll have to come home to.
It's nights like these that I wish I could fall asleep.
June 22nd 12:37am
Disconnect my heart, this tired head is overheating again. When all that's left to do is fall in love, I'm clinging to the edge of my rope. And I know you're good for me, I'm just not sure I'm what's best for you.
June 22nd 12:52am
I want to rip apart my chest and leave my heart exposed, to peel back skin and sinew, to dissolve all the bones. Forget the porcelain shell, it's all just a clever guise. Take me out of my body, let me see through immortal eyes. Then strip away the world. I want to be a naked soul.
June 22nd 9:29am
When you're gone, you know I miss you, I'm unraveling at the sinew and in the hollow pit of my stomach echo the words "I think I love you," But I'm just so unsure, just so afraid to fall. Like standing on the edge of the precipice, toes curled back and eyes wide open. I can't stand the thought of not being your's.
June 22nd 11:35am
Sometimes I get nervous and I don't know why, and some days when I wake up in the morning it feels like the world's been set on fire and it's all I can do to brew a pot of coffee and just close my eyes. Today I lit a cigarette and it tasted like regret, but it smelled like you. I half thought I forgot, but it's the little things that catch me off guard. Sometimes it's all too hard, but it's okay because I have a problem feeling. I'm either just awake or simply sleeping. I've never been good at deciphering lousy affairs of the heart. This body is just a broken vessel. I need another band-aid. My mind has sprung a leek and the ideas won't stop coming, and they only come when I try to sleep.
Do you remember the first time you ever went off to camp for the week? And a part of you was excited, but most of you was nervous because you didn't know what to expect. Still, you had to go because not going would have been the worst thing in the world. Everyone else was going. And when you left home you put on your bravest smile and pretended like you weren't feeling bad at all. The first night you couldn't sleep, but you stifled back tears because only babies cry and this was all a part of becoming an adult. But there was still this aching, hollow hurt inside the pit of your stomach and you didn't really know why. You felt sad even though you were surrounded by your friends. You felt alone. They called it being "homesick."
That's exactly how I feel without you.
You leave me crawling out of my head,
Every word you ever said
Lingers on my lips,
My heart balances on your finger tips
And I feel sick
As I plummet into the deep abyss
I know I cannot return from.